We have reached the 13th episode of Below Deck this season, and while it may just be a numerical coincidence, it’s quite the unlucky one for romantic relationships. The show starts with Kyle and Barbie in bed. It’s a new day, but she’s hung up on last night’s fear that her dad is gonna kill her for sleeping with someone on TV. Kyle, ever the voice of reason, says, “No, he’s not. You’re twenty-fucking-eight years old.” He’s happy his persistence has paid off and blissfully unaware of the downward spiral to come. As they eat breakfast together, Barbie tells Xandi she had a rough night, which feels like a rude thing to say in front of Kyle. Barbie denies they did anything sexual when Fraser asks, and Kyle plays along, keeping quiet, but his grin betrays them. That and Ben says they heard “a lot of doors opening and closing very quickly.” Xandi quips that Barbie doesn’t like working and that “a hand job is called a job for a reason.” Ah yes, it wouldn’t be Below Deck without sex jokes and innuendo.
Barbie’s not the only one who’s ashamed about last night’s actions. Dylan regrets trying to kiss Sunny and feels like he’s still drunk. He asks Ben to slap him to wake him up, and I can’t tell if this is also a guilty request. Ben refuses, which is the only smart decision he’ll make all day. Throughout the day, Dylan listens to affirmations that include “Everything is working out perfectly for me,” and I now understand where he gets the unearned confidence from. Later, Sunny checks in to confirm that Dylan remembers trying to kiss her. He apologizes, blaming “old habits.” Could this be the name of his self-help tapes, like Atomic Habits but worse?
The new chef, Nick, arrives, and I won’t go full numerology, but he’s the 13th crew member of the season. He has been a chef for 22 years, says he lost his mind a long time ago, and chugs a Red Bull in his first interview. So he seems fully capable of being a Judas figure. Nick is 40 but claims that yachting, plus no ex-wives and no kids, keeps him youthful. It’s not working that well because the deck crew’s first impression of him, per Sunny, is “old.” Happy to learn that Nick has worked on megayachts before, Fraser has a more favorable impression. Nick does a full overhaul of the galley, which is allegedly one of the top-three worst he has ever entered. He criticizes the amount of cheese and spots fridge mold as if he’s auditioning to host Kitchen Nightmares.
It’s an eventful morning as Ben answers questions about Camille on his Instagram Story. He reminisces about how they were two kids in love on this very same boat. The Stories are less innocent: “Favorite snack on charter? Her.” I’m confused as to why he isn’t worried about Sunny seeing these. Is it a self-sabotage tactic? Did he block her from seeing them? Soon enough, we get the answer: Of course he didn’t. Sunny sees the Stories and is like, “What a little dick.” She goes to the girls for comfort and tells them Camille and Ben broke up last year because she cheated on him. This makes Ben’s “I wouldn’t say so” response to a question asking if he and Camille are done seem even more delusional. Xandi and Paris call out Ben for not thinking of Sunny’s feelings, which has become a pattern at this point.
Barbie and Kyle touch base and he agrees to stay mum about what they did, but he knows the others aren’t stupid. Barbie tells us that before she started on the show, her dad made it clear that this was the one thing not to do. I can think of plenty worse things — does he think sex is worse than murder? Barbie says she didn’t even kiss her ex-husband in front of her dad. I don’t think she’s handling this situation well, but I can sympathize with her: purity culture is truly a mindfuck. She pulls Fraser aside to tell him she’s having a bad day. She cries about disappointing her dad and is frustrated that the rest of the crew (namely Ben) is treating her hooking up with Kyle as a joke. Fraser assures her no one is judging her. If anything, he’s a bit jealous. This gets a laugh from Barbie and me. At least these two are finally communicating.
During the preference-sheet meeting, we’re introduced to the next primary, Alex, a senior community manager for Yelp who loves Instagrammable food. Personally, I prefer food that tastes good. But as a person on the internet, I’m aware that the current Reels-focused trends are video-worthy things like pull-apart cheesy food, flambéed desserts, tableside preparation, etc. Will Nick step up and be the next Salt Bae?
Instagram proves to be a theme in this episode: Ben is annoyed that Sunny was hurt by his Stories. He tells Kyle that he and Sunny don’t have a true connection so he’ll have to end it. But then, in classic fuckboy fashion, when Ben talks to Sunny, he tries to leave the door open for sleeping together, then says he doesn’t think they’re attached “whatsoever.” He tries to hold her hand and she dips. She finally sees through his bullshit. There was always something, and that something was always Ben messing things up.
Ben moves on quickly and is thinking more about Camille. He believes they have the spark he and Sunny don’t. Sure, if that spark is the beginning of a dumpster fire. He FaceTimes Camille, unsure if she’ll pick up. She answers, only to be uninterested in his visiting her in Florida. Ben gets closure, even if it’s in the form of a producer assist.
The morning of the next charter, production embraces the Instagram vlogger aesthetic with some stop-motion-esque smoothie shots. For a second, I thought I accidentally AirPlayed a TikTok onto my TV. As for the remaining crew couple, Kyle and Barbie are texting instead of talking. He thinks she’s being childish post-intimacy; she’s upset that he’s talking about their relationship with the guys and can’t trust him anymore.
The guests arrive, and Alex is definitely giving tech bro with his freebie-looking neon sunglasses and mismatched blazer-shorts combo. We learn that not only does Alex work for Yelp but that all of the guests are Yelp Elites. I researched this so you don’t have to: The Yelp Elite Squad, or YES!, is a “diverse community of passionate writers, photographers, and adventurers.” Also per Yelp, “Elite-worthiness is based on a number of things, including well-written reviews, high-quality photos … and a history of playing well with others.” There’s even an Elite Terms of Membership, and “Those who run afoul of these rules or otherwise besmirch the Elite Squad’s reputation may have their membership revoked.” I hope the guests are on their best behavior because it would be an utter tragedy if they lost their virtual badges.
To ensure their status, the Yelp Elites’ phones are practically glued to their hands. They take photos and videos of everything onboard, including the boring charcuterie. I realize that, technically, all food is Instagrammable. Someone says, “Gotta do it for the ’gram,” a phrase I haven’t heard since 2016.
For lunch, Nick begrudgingly makes the requested octopus nachos. The guests are incredibly excited by it, and Alex goes to change into a Nacho King T-shirt. It all feels like an inside joke we’re not in on. Nick starts sending dishes up, and Fraser’s critical. He thinks there aren’t enough fries and questions why there’s lamb for what was supposed to be a seafood spread. We saw Fraser okay the lamb earlier! But Nick misses the seafood, and Kerry is not happy. The one thing Kerry stressed was following the preference sheets. Nick manages to throw some last-minute scallops together and lunch is a success. Five stars.
Fraser’s developing a crush on Steven, a friend of the primary. He compliments Steven’s shorts as the guests head out for a chocolate-making experience. Steven replies, “It’s gonna get real weird later,” which should make it obvious that he also has a thing for Fraser, but Fraser is still unsure if he’s with one of the women. Xandi accompanies the guests to Tri-Island Chocolate, which must have made some sort of promotion deal with Bravo and now I’m concerned this could compromise the Yelpies’ integrity.
While they’re gone, the crew puts up decorations for tonight’s Caribbean Christmas theme. Earlier, Sunny mentioned that it’s International Women’s Day, which means this was filmed on March 8. That’s less than three months after Christmas, but sure, why not? Fraser dresses as Santa (minus the hat because his head is too small), and Steven plays with his fake beard. The sexual tension is palpable. And there are plenty of aphrodisiacs tonight with Nick doing a feast of the seven fishes. Kerry joins the guests for the meal, and Nick nails his first dinner service.
Compensating for the lack of dinner drama, Ben tries to talk to Barbie about Kyle because the two haven’t talked all day. He thinks it’s not cool that she’s pushing Kyle away. While the sentiment is nice, Ben is the last person it should be coming from. Angry, Barbie says she didn’t approach him because he was mistreating Sunny, so he should stay out of her relationship. Later, Kyle tries to pull Barbie over to chat, but she’s busy and still upset that he’s been talking to Ben. She shuts him down with Nick as a witness. “Welcome to the St. David,” indeed. After the guests go to bed, Barbie accepts Kyle’s apology but still doesn’t trust him. It seems unlikely that he’ll be able to earn back her trust short of converting to Judaism. Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night. See you next week for New Year’s Eve.